How CBT Helps with Relationship Anxiety
Relationships can be difficult, so it’s no surprise that many people seek therapy for problems with their significant other. Some may assume that standard couples therapy is the only way to assist with relationship problems or that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) won’t work for them. The truth is, CBT is an excellent way to address relationship concerns, specifically relationship anxiety or problems stemming from insecurity. In this article, we’ll discuss some ways of thinking that may sabotage a relationship as well as the components of CBT that helps people with relationship difficulties.
How CBT Helps Reframe Negative Thoughts About Relationships
CBT is well-known for addressing negative thoughts, but some people may overlook all of the applications this has in their life. Negative thoughts can get in the way of many things, including finding happiness and harmony in a romantic relationship. CBT can help challenge some of the following negative thoughts a person holds about themselves, their relationship , or their partner:
● I don’t feel worthy of their love
● I worry they are going to leave me
● I can’t stop feeling guilty about not being there enough
● I know they only said or did (insert quote or action) to hurt me
● I am anxious about where our relationship is headed
● They never say the right thing when I’m upset
● They need to tell me what they are thinking and feeling more often
● They are critical of everything I do
● They aren’t loving enough
And the list goes on. There are plenty of ways that our thoughts can run amok and cause tension in our relationships. But CBT is one of the best ways to get to the bottom of those thought patterns and prevent them from ballooning into more complex problems.
Strengthening Communication Through CBT
Finances, religion, politics, child-rearing, family involvement – these are all areas where disagreements arise for people in a relationship. However, communication is one of the overarching skills that can worsen these (and other) disagreements. One partner might take issue with their significant other not communicating as often as they’d like them to. Other partners might feel their loved one communicates too much, but doesn’t properly articulate how they are feeling and how that affects them. In other cases, two parties may have conflicting communication styles that make it difficult for their needs and wants to align.
Often, communication problems stem from difficulty expressing feelings, which often dovetails with some of the negative beliefs we discussed earlier. But no matter where the communication problems lie, CBT can help get to the bottom of problems by opening the lines of communication. A therapist can use CBT to help people identify the beliefs they hold about their relationship (both negative and positive) and understand how those beliefs impact the way they interact with their partner. Your therapist also serves to set and keep therapeutic goals on track, and to help parties more clearly express their feelings and thoughts.
Understanding Control / Letting Go of Anxiety
Control is an important dynamic for people to understand, as it impacts how we act on our own and in relationships. A common negative thought is not having as much power over their life as they would like to. That stress most often comes up when someone feels they aren’t where they want to be. In a relationship, it’s easy to focus on how outside factors—or other people—might be getting in the way of reaching the next stage, whether that means being exclusive, moving in together, getting married, having children, or gaining more independence from family. This anxiety can be made even worse once someone starts comparing themselves to people they know who are moving forward in their relationships or are seemingly in a better spot than they are.
Therapists use CBT to teach people that it’s okay (in fact – it’s encouraged) to take stock of what is out of their control, primarily because this is the first step to letting those things go. By making peace with those things, you are accepting the uncertainty that comes along with them as well as relinquishing your control over them. This allows you to free up that headspace for something more productive, like what is in your control. These two thoughts should occur simultaneously as a constant reminder of the power that you do have, which allows you to focus on the action points that are more important.
Replacing Negative Habits with Healthier Patterns
There are some common relationship pitfalls that many people experience from time to time. These concerns may take the form of avoiding intimacy, not expressing your feelings, giving your partner the silent treatment, acting out to get attention from your partner, or constantly expressing fear about the relationship. These are all distinct responses to the same problem: anxiety and insecurity about your relationship. Each person has different feelings, each of which can manifest in different ways. But the best way to target each of these habits is by addressing the root cause, which is those negative feelings and thoughts.
Early stages of CBT focus on drawing those feelings out to gain a greater understanding of yourself and then addressing them so they don’t negatively impact your relationship. By working through your emotions and building healthier thoughts, you can help the development of more positive relationship habits. These habits can strengthen your relationship as well as your own emotional health by creating new patterns.
If Only One Partner Attends Therapy
CBT is so effective for relationship anxiety that people can see benefits even if they just attend therapy themselves. Let’s offer an example. Say someone has a history of toxic relationships and partners who cheated on them, which has left them feeling insecure and as if all of their other relationships (present and future) are doomed for failure. This person may be in a relationship with someone who is generally secure and has little to no concerns with their partner. In this case, it may be more beneficial for one person to be in therapy working on their personal thoughts and beliefs that lead to ineffective behaviors.
This isn’t to say that a pair like this won’t benefit from couples counseling, as this medium can be a great way for partners to learn more about each other and explore positive relationship changes in a safe space. However, this simply goes to show the power of CBT even for one person in a relationship.
Taking the First Step Toward Healthier Relationships
CBT can be a powerful tool for navigating relationship challenges like anxiety, communication struggles, insecurities, and different attachment styles. At its heart, CBT helps partners notice unhelpful thought patterns, understand how those thoughts shape their behavior, and replace them with healthier, more supportive habits.
If you are prepared to take the first step and address relationship anxiety, reach out to schedule a consultation today. Our compassionate, experienced therapists are ready to help you build skills that ultimately create happier, healthier relationships.
References:
(1) Beck Institute. (2021). A Cognitive-Behavioral Approach to Relationships. Retrieved from https://beckinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/A-Cognitive-Behavioral-Approach-to-Relationships.pdf
(2) Bodenmann, G., Kessler, M., Kuhn, R., Hocker, L., & Randall, A. K. (2020). Cognitive-Behavioral and Emotion-Focused Couple Therapy: Similarities and differences. Clinical Psychology in Europe, 2(3), e2741. https://doi.org/10.32872/cpe.v2i3.2741
(3) Gillihan, S.J. (2017). 8 Ways CBT Can Improve Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201703/8-ways-cbt-can-improve-your-relationship
(4) Kaur, H., & Whalley, M. (2020). How to Use Your CBT Skills to Conceptualize Relationship and Interpersonal Problems: Two New Formulations to Integrate Into Your Practice. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/how-to-use-your-cbt-skills-to-conceptualize-relationship-and-interpersonal-problems-two-new-formulations-to-integrate-into-your-practice
(5) Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Treating Anxiety with CBT. Retrieved from https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/cbt-for-anxiety
